Fat Frenzy

It was as of last evening that I came to the conclusion that I find no satisfaction or sustenance from foods which are considered healthy and nutritious. I had to receive some medical tests and was disallowed to have dinner with any fat content. The first thought that came to my mind had nothing to do with concern for my health and well being, it was in fact the terrible question of just what I would be able to eat for dinner. Obviously meat and dairy were disallowed, therefore I was immediately disheartened. It is because of this i realised just how much I love fatty foods. Not that I didn’t know before, but the fact that I was going through similar withdrawals to that of a cocaine addict after only a few hours was an indication that my affinity for the unhealthy went beyond what I was originally conscious of. The worst of it came when I went to the movie theatre that evening. I had originally planned to indulge in popcorn smothered in as much butter as the worker could muster, but my pre-emptive plans of gluttony were dashed! Pretzels and hot dogs and various sweets stared me down, and I began to grow weary. Thank goodness, once I was in the dark theatre free of temptation I was able to regain mental composure. My evening of hell is finally over, and I made the executive decision of Pizza for lunch to recover all lost non-essential fats from the night before, however I am left reflecting upon my need for all that is greasy and bad. I am tempted by a wide variety of such foods, however, one is held above all the rest. A food which I have almost no power to resist. A food which I believe, on my death bed, I will be using my last breaths to ask for. This food my friends, is the illustrious Hamburger.
I like to consider myself somewhat of a hamburger connoisseur. I scour the earth looking for the perfect and most satisfying combination of bun and patty that I can find. So far in my travels I have established a certain repertoire of my go-to hamburgers depending on what restaurant I have at my disposal. Here is my list of top 5 favorite hamburger joints on the planet, and my own burger of choice.

1. Fuddruckers
Fuddruckers allows you to literally glance into the butcher and choose your patty. 1/4, 1/2 and a full pound of meat are your choices. Now, if I am feeling especially like I want to put my heart under unecessary strain, I will go for the full pound of meaty goodness. However, the 1/2 pounder normally does me just fine. The buns are fresh and slightly toasted, and with a nice slab of cheddar cheese, that baby is good to go. You get to choose your own condiments so there is no worry about ordering to your likes and dislikes. I slab on the ketchup and Mayo and I’m good to go, because I am firmly of the belief that vegetables just take away from the full effect of the meat. That’s right, vegetables have no place next to my glorious patty of greasy, meaty goodness. Unfortunately, there are currently no Fuddruckers in Alberta, therefore it is necessary to hunt them down when I am in the U.S.

2. In and Out Burger
The wonderful thing about In and Out burger is the simplicity. The menu allows you to choose from a hamburger, or a cheeseburger. Could it be more perfect? The burgers are rather small, so it may be a good idea to request double patties, or to order a second. The buns are warm and toasty, the cheese is melty goodness, and it is smothered in ketchup and special sauce. Oh yeah, that’s as good as it gets. The trouble with In and Out is it is restricted to the western United States. California, here I come.

3. Five Guys Burgers and Fries
This was recently introduced to me. Same general idea as In and Out burger. Minimal choices, maximum satisfaction. Ordering a cheese or hamburger will automatically grant you two beef patties. The first time I experience this, I thought the fellow who took my order had read my mind. There is a great variety of toppings from fresh Jalapenos to bacon. I have the cheeseburger, which is absolutely drenched in melted cheddar. Topped of course with mayonnaise and ketchup. My mouth is watering.

4. Carl’s Jr.
This is your everyday, run of the mill fast food restaurant which is limited to within the United States, however, their burgers are incredible. My weapon of choice is the double western bacon cheeseburger. Two patties, 2 slices of cheddar, onion rings and bbq sauce. It’s paradise squeezed between two buns.

5. Jack in the Box
This is another American fast food chain, found on almost every block down there, however, it is not to be underestimated. On numerous occasions I believe my heart temporarily ceased beating after eating here. Double Ultimate Bacon cheeseburger: 2 patties, 4 slices of cheese, 4 slices of bacon. I don’t even have to order this one without vegetables. It’s like they crafted it just for me.

There you have it. My less than 12 hour fast from fatty foods prompted this outrageously revealing rant about my love for cheeseburgers. I feel both ashamed and hungry.